All posts filed under: Motherhood

The First Year

I want to be the kind of person my son admires. Lately, this has become even clearer to me than ever before. I want to carry myself in all areas of my life with integrity, with positivity, and with love. I want the road to my future successes, whether they be personal or professional, to be littered with the remains of my angst, my anger, my unkindnesses, my disbelief, my negativity, and my sarcasm, not the people I climbed over to get wherever I’m going. The year of my 30th birthday, 2012, was the hardest in my life. It was a year of loss, my twin miscarriage, my beloved maternal grandmother, and in many ways, the dream of the woman I wanted to become. Of course, of those experiences was born a new woman with new dreams. I became more responsible, more confident, and more discerning. In many other ways, though, I let fear and disappointment stew and seep their toxins slowly but surely into the life I was rebuilding. In this way, I didn’t …

For the Memories

What if I forget something? Last night, I nearly had a panic attack over this very question. The truth is, of course, I will forget something. I already have. In Elliott’s almost five months of life, there have been expressions, sounds, and moments that were beautiful and are now lost to my memory. I keep telling myself I should keep a written journal. I always have. (There’s just something about handwriting the moments of your life.) Now, though, I have so little time and typing is much, much faster. So, here is a list. For the memories. + On Friday, Elliott started sitting up. He was so focused on the pattern of his sheets that he didn’t even realize he was holding himself up. Now, he loves sitting. He’s a bit like the tinman (woooooah one way, then woooooah the other), but he’s getting the hang of it FAST. + Last week, he started trying to “trick” me. He would stick out his lower lip like he was sad, and when I said, “Heeeey. What’s …

Mama Life: 19 Weeks

Has it really been 19 weeks? At once, it feels like so much time has passed and also, no time at all. I think I’ve said that before, but it keeps proving true. My boy has grown so much in a million different ways, and I’ve grown. I’ve been stretched to my limits and brought to my knees. Of course, like anyone else, it is the greatest bliss I’ve known, like cuddling up to a piece of your very own heart. Given the holiday that just passed, thankful is the word that comes to mind. I am thankful beyond measure… for the pain and joy that brought me so unexpectedly to this little person… for the love that Ryan and I have built together and that made it all possible. My beautiful son brings out some of the best (and worst) things in me. He makes me want to rise above my lazy acceptance of things to honor and acknowledge who I really am and how I’ve navigated my world. Having always experienced a level …

Goodness and Light

Said the king to the people everywhere Listen to what I say Pray for peace people everywhere Listen to what I say The child, the child Sleeping in the night He will bring us goodness and light He will bring us goodness and light ~Do You Hear What I Hear? Last night, I watched my child’s eyes twinkle with the lights of Christmas. I saw his little fingers reach out to touch the ornaments that his daddy and I have collected over the years, a mishmash of our history together, tokens of our hope. Hope that was realized this year, in that very moment.

Shadow Puppets

My son has been struggling with sleep. They call it the four month regression, and there have been days that I’ve felt nearly destroyed by my lack of sleep and frustration. I was fighting his urge to stay up later. I was fighting his desire to feel in control of his sleep schedule. I was fighting his need to be with me. And, he was fighting right back. He was crying and screaming, clearly frustrated that I didn’t get it. Finally, I realized that the struggle really had become about ME. I was trying desperately to cling to that quiet time at night. It was MINE, dammit. A few nights ago, I let go. Our sweet boy began staying up with us in the evenings. I was so concerned with losing my “me” time. As a result, we’ve had “us” time… almost no tears at all at bedtime… we’ve had more cuddles, more playtime, more giggles… Just more. On Friday night, we climbed into our bed, the three of us. I clicked on the flashlight …

Mama Life: 13 Weeks

Thirteen weeks. Simultaneously, these weeks have crept along and passed at the speed of light. Living on Planet Mom, I guess that makes sense? The BEST part, of course, is watching Elliott learn about the world and himself. Lately, he’s done a lot of learning. Family has visited, developmental leaps have happened, and daddy and mama have slowly figured out some semblance of a new normal. That new normal, of course, involves a lot of chaos, a lot of getting into a routine and then catching the almost immediate curve balls that fly our way. These 13 weeks have been filled with more laughter, joy, insecurity, fear, and love than I experienced in all of the 33 years prior to them. I’ve become the mom I wanted to be and also the mom I said I wouldn’t be. I’ve made choices I judged others for in my pre-mom life, spoken words in anger and exhaustion in a manner I wish didn’t exist within me, ate a shocking amount of trashy food in the interest of …

Dear Elliott

I think this is a love letter. Sigh… Someday you’ll understand how much your mama hates being cliche… How many mamas have written these cheesy letters? But, then, that’s love, I guess. It changes everything. I should know. I’m sitting in Starbucks. I’ve slipped away to work, to write articles about adwords… a profile of a fabulous woman entrepreneur… and a short story about a magic iPhone… All things I’ve said I’ll do. I tend to over-commit. And, yet. I’m here thinking of you. Thoughts of the way you smile or your sweet gurgle sounds are bouncing around my head, climbing stair steps on the words of the conversation at the next table. I can’t remember when I’ve been this consumed by someone. Wait, yes, of course I can. Your dad. Whatever that something is that he has… it’s hereditary. You both take my breath away. As the days turn into weeks and now months, I find myself rehearsing the memories I want never to forget. I turn them over and over in my mind, …